They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
