The maid of honor just puked.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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