saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
