so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
