textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
