I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
