Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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