True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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