also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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