And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
