Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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