I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You're like the curious george of whores
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
