Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
