if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
