i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
