I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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