Please, let me fuck your mom
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
