Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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