I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
you had me at cake vodka
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
