I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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