Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
