mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize