I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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