i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
