Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
jump out the window naked night went bad
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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