OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
