We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize