i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
