I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize