sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
