Are we in a gay sports bar?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Randomize
