remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
