Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
