by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
