The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
