woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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