Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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