I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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