I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
