How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
