some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We have started to decorate penises.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize