i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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