Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
