There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
