I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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