I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
