I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
