I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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