Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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