Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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