I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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