I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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