dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
