I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Randomize
