My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
