EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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