anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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