I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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