I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
